#NotAllMen

Seriously, though, not all men.

There are some arguments that annoy me more than others. Pet peeves, if you will. One is the suggestion that all men—and specifically all cis-men—are responsible for all violence against women, all sexism and harassment that occurs in the world. Anyone who suggests otherwise is engaging in some sort of problematic, sexist fallacy.

When a man says “Not all men” he is roundly mocked and ridiculed. He (or she, since many women also don’t believe this nonsense) is now part of the problem. He is the problem. In fact, saying “not all men” is literally violence. Literally.

“If you don’t want it to be all men, then men: you have to do the work,” writer Julie Cohen argues in a not-at-all clickbaity piece titled “Yes, it is all men.” The tagline: “Even normal ones.” Whatever “normal” means.

Cohen describes a “normal” event in which she was harassed by three middle-aged, middle-class men on a train. They were drunk. They kept saying “nice hat” while staring at her chest. They acted like jackasses and nobody told them to stop (because most people do not like confrontation). She goes on at length about how “normal” these men looked. Men who were going home to their kids and wives later. I’m not sure why their appearance should matter. Middle-class married men with kids can be horrible people. They can support horrific policies. They can be racists. For all we know one of these men beats his wife or kids and then goes to church. A man’s appearance tells us very little about the contents of his heart.

I look like a goddamn Viking. If you see me hiking in my camo pants with my Viking haircut in the woods you probably think I’m a Proud Boy or something (I’m not, I find the Proud Boys pretty ridiculous including their ridiculous name, though I do think men need to find ways to be part of groups that promote fraternity and so forth—it would probably be socially healthy to have more of that and less isolation).

Viking or no, I have never harassed a woman. I have never aggressively flirted with a stranger. I believe that men should comport themselves with dignity and treat others with respect. We should not make unwanted advances and we should not make women feel unsafe or uncomfortable. We should be excellent to each other, and that includes being respectful to women. Everyone should do this but of course not everyone will, human nature being what it is.

I had good examples. My father has always been very respectful to my mother. My extended family, uncles and grandfathers and so forth, have mostly set this same example. Moments where some sort of disrespect has occurred are rare and surprising.

I choose my friends with care. I do not associate myself with people who harass women or treat them with disrespect. The fact that I am able to do this, to find male friends who are good people, suggests that not all men are horrible abusers. We are already “doing the work” and this extreme position, that all men are responsible for all violence toward women (especially cis-men) is ridiculous because it denies us any and all agency. We are already doing the work but the work will never be done. Until all violence against women is ended, all men are forever responsible.

Bullshit.

Here’s the thing. THIS IS A NORMAL STORY. This has happened to every woman. And it’s not just cis and trans women who are the victims of this normal everyday bullshit. It’s also nonbinary and gender nonconforming people. It’s trans men. It’s cis men who aren’t ‘masculine’ enough. Anyone who is not a ‘normal bloke’ gets to be frightened and humiliated by blokes being normal.

These are not “normal blokes” they’re bullies and assholes and yes, they are everywhere. We have all dealt with them in one form or another, as kids and as adults. That they are “normal” looking does not prove that they are all men. Seriously this obsession with “normal” is bizarre.

Cis-men get harassed also, though obviously not as much. I’ve been harassed by gay men before (though the vast majority of gay men I’ve met are not like that). It happened when I was driving pizzas back in the day. I delivered a pie to two men who made extremely creepy comments to me about my body. It was unwelcome and certainly gave me some empathy for what women must go through far more frequently. I’ve also had women come up to me in a bar, or once in a gas station, and grab me by the hair (when it was long and curly) without warning, without asking. The lady in the gas station literally pulled my hair, a rough tug that hurt. Women can be shitty too. Not all women, though.

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Here’s a story. It’s not a “normal” story though.

My brother used to work in pizza also (though at a different shop and after I was already out of the biz). One day he was in the parking lot across the street from where he worked and saw a young man and a young woman fighting. The man hit the woman. He was screaming at her. It was, by all accounts, a very scary thing to witness. My brother—who is not a fighter, not some hulking weight-lifter or martial arts master—stepped in. He got involved and put himself between this violent man and the woman he was physically assaulting. His co-worker saw what was happening and drove over and got involved also—actively calling the cops and making it obvious he was calling the cops.

My brother helped the woman get on a bus and get away from her abusive boyfriend. He put his own safety at risk to do so. It was heroic. I’m not exaggerating. A man who hits women could go ape-shit and beat the crap out of a good Samaritan. My brother was brave when he took that risk.

Now please tell me that “all men” are to blame for violence against women. Please tell that to my brother—my brother who couldn’t hurt a fly but still stood up to this aggressive, dangerous piece of human refuse.

Violent men are often born that way or learn to be violent young. You can tell when they’re a boy usually. They get worse as they get older and the only real way to stop a violent man is to put him in a cage until he becomes an elderly man and the violence (often) runs its course. Abusive fathers aren’t always abusive grandfathers. Of course, by then it’s too late.

And no, it’s #NotAllMen. But it is cis men. Even normal ones. Even the ones with wives and kids who think they are the good ones. The problem is not women. It is men. Until they prove otherwise, we have to be afraid of them all.

The reason this bad faith argument is used is precisely because it’s an impossible paradox. We can’t “prove otherwise” because there will never be a time when all men are good. Until all men are nonviolent, non-sexist and perfect in every way, all men are the problem. And that ain’t happening, folks. Not in a million years.

I originally posted this story as a thread on Twitter. I didn’t expect it to reach more than my usual followers, but it went viral, and as night follows day, the online abuse started. Men called me names. Swore at me. Told me it never happened. Told me to shut up, that I’m ugly and stupid and that they wouldn’t fuck me. Tried bad-faith arguments to prove me wrong. Abused me with misogynistic and antisemitic images and slurs. A few women joined in too, but mostly it was men. I knew it was going to happen, because this stuff is normal. Women are always treated like this.

Setting aside the claim that women are “always treated like this” (help me out my female droogies, is this your constant state of being?) this is Twitter we’re talking about. Don’t act surprised when you say something designed to be controversial on Twitter and people act like shitheads. Holy shit the sky is blue and Twitter is an awful place to have a reasonable conversation about feminism. I am truly shocked.

Nobody should act this way, obviously, and there’s no excusing it, but we’re all grownups here. We know what we’re getting into when we discuss controversial issues on social media. I bet some people yell at me for writing this post also. I bet I’m mansplaining. I’m certainly not manscaping. Could someone be manscapegoating?

Hmmm.

I also received hundreds and hundreds of stories from women and nonbinary people, trans men and gender nonconforming people, telling me: yes. This happened to them too. It happens all the time. It’s happening right now. And I received messages from cisgender men, too, not to argue that #NotAllMen are like this, but saying they were listening and learning, that they realise that as men, it’s their responsibility to step up. That it’s their job to make the change.

The murder of Sarah Everard was horrifying and terrible and her killer is an evil man. Suggesting that all men are responsible for this evil man’s horrific act of violence achieves absolutely nothing. It just makes a lot of people who are naturally sympathetic to causes like equality check out entirely. You want allies in this fight? Maybe don’t demonize them form sunrise to sunset and then act all surprised when they don’t want to “listen and learn.”

Nor is it my job to “make the change.” My job is to be a decent human being and encourage my kids to be decent human beings and to treat others with respect. It is the police’s job to prevent or and capture killers and rapists and all the other wicked people out there. I do think men should step up when they see abuse taking place—like my brother did!—but I am not responsible for the actions of evil men any more than Cohen is responsible for the actions of evil women. I will vote for policies that I believe help the most people. I will argue for a better, more equitable world. I will oppose violence and war with all my being. But we will not make the world a perfect place in which all men are good and pure. It’s an impossible, preposterous request and everyone knows it is, including those making it.

That’s the entire point.

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