I, Too, Am Selling Signed Dr. Seuss Books

Eat your heart out, Ted Cruz. Assuming you have one.

Ted Cruz, American poet and hero, is fighting cancel culture by selling signed copies of Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs And Ham.

Signed by Ted Cruz, mind you, not Dr. Seuss.

He’s selling these books to fight back against the cancellation of Dr. Seuss, even though it was the publisher’s decision not to sell six of the children’s books, not the fallout of an angry Twitter mob. The books contain racist imagery and the publisher felt it was time to stop publishing them because of it, for better or worse. You can disagree with this decision while also realizing it isn’t the same thing as cancelling a video game developer because you didn’t like the headlines of their YouTube videos.

Of course, Green Eggs And Ham is not one of the books that’s being cancelled. It appears that Cruz chose this one because he likes it—it may be the only book of fiction he’s ever read—and uses it when he needs to filibuster something in the Senate which, I suppose, is less annoying than having to listen to Ted Cruz talk politics.

Still, I think this is a genius move form America’s premiere genius Senator and I’m hopping on the bandwagon.

I, too, will start selling signed copies of Dr. Seuss books. Signed by me. With a diabolical stamp of approval.

And unlike Ted Cruz, I’ll sell any Dr. Seuss book you want to buy. Want The Lorax, a book-turned-film that conservatives railed against as environmentalist propaganda when the movie came out in 2012? You got it.

Or maybe Horton Hears A Who, a book about tolerance and acceptance of people no matter how small (or poor, or marginalized). Your pick.

Better yet, I will not only sign these books I will include a doodle-caricature of Ted Cruz doing something Seussian inside the front cover next to my autograph.

Some examples I whipped up this morning just so you can see what you should expect:

Ted Cruz And Ham

Ted ‘Yertle The Turtle’ Cruz

Ted Cruz Hears A Who

These, alongside my signature—inexplicably inside a Dr. Seuss book—can be yours for the low, low price of $30. That’s a 50% savings over what Senator Cruz is offering and he isn’t even including a doodle of himself!

We’ll call this a fundraiser to fight back against cancel culture and assholes who use cancel culture as an excuse to get away with their assholery. I will also be selling these doodles as NFTs so stay tuned for that. Gonna make those sweet millions just like Grimes.

In any case: You can get your very own custom Dr. Seuss book with artwork right here. Just let me know which one you want and any requests for the signature and art. You can also use this QR code:

$30 people. It’s a steal.

I’ll also sign these however you please, with flourish and dazzle and the greatest of ease.

For instance:

“To Ralph: Evil is evil no matter how small but Ted Cruz just might be the most evil of all.”

or

“To Sally: This is a book that I did not pen, but I will still sign it again and again.”

I do rhymes. Does Ted Cruz do rhymes? I don’t think so.