51 thoughts I had while watching the Season 6 finale of Fear The Walking Dead

Bonus thought: There will be a Season 7 of this godawful monstrosity of a show. And the same people responsible for ruining it for the past 3 seasons will still be in charge, because there is no god.

Inspired by a critic who is, for lack of a better or more original phrase, the yin to my yang when it comes to Fear The Walking Dead, I have put together a list of 51 thoughts I had while watching the show’s Season 6 finale.

Her list only has 46 thoughts, which makes my list 5 points better or something. Also, her list is spoiler-free. Mine is not. I tried to adopt the same writing style but quickly found that I do not possess the skill. While her third point, for instance, is “WTF?” and her fifth is “Damn girl. Damn.” and her tenth point is “All the feels. ALL OF THEM.” I discovered that I needed to elaborate more in order to actually put thoughts to paper. They just didn’t feel like thoughts otherwise.

It’s still a little vague, of course. It’s just a list of notes, basically. This isn’t a recap where I delve into all the little details. But it’s spoilery nonetheless and if you do care about what happens in this steaming pile of hot garbage disguised as a TV show, please wait until you’ve watched the episode to read on. You can yell at me then. I watched the early release version on AMC+ and you can do that, too, if it pleases you m’lords and ladies. Then you can yell at me right now.

A review at my Forbes blog will be forthcoming, so stay tuned.

Anyways, the end (of Season 6) is “The Beginning” which is the title of this episode, and isn’t that just clever as a crab on stilts?

Okay, off we go . . . .

The scene opens to a woman and her baby and her dog and a truck and the tire has blown out.

1. Do we know this character? I think this is that chick Rachel that Morgan met but I’m not sure because there are so many characters and she’s barely been onscreen this whole time. I can’t keep track. I thought she was with the group so…maybe not? The dog, though, makes me think it’s her. That was the bounty hunter’s dog.

2. That is not how you change a tire, lady. She’ll never be able to put a spare on if this is her tire-changing acumen.

3. Jesus H. Christ that is not where you put the jack. Oh snap!

4. Okay, nope, you can’t walk on a leg when your shin bone is broken in half, even if you’re not carrying a pack and a baby. How is she not screaming in pain? How is she not passed out from the shock?

5. Why is she not bleeding out from the wound in her leg where the bone is sticking out?

6. So she’s going to stab herself to death and leave her baby to die? I’m so confused.

7. Hey look it’s Daniel and Charlie and a bunch of other characters. Maybe they’ll all die when the nuke goes off. Cool.

8. Boring boring boring.

9. Oh cool we get to hear Morgan say the same line over and over again over the walkie-talkie so that they can show us each group. Nothing better than hearing Morgan repeat the same line over and over again.

10. Also fuck you, Sherry. What a waste of oxygen. Bad character, bad actor, bad writing.

11. OF COURSE THEY FOUND BEER. What is with these showrunners and their obsession with beer? I feel like they don’t even like beer they just put it in the show because they think it’s cool or what rough-and-tumble types drink or something. Beer doesn’t last that long, especially in bottles. Have people find whiskey. The scene in The Walking Dead with Aaron and Gabriel and the fancy bottle of whiskey was great. This just makes me think of antifreeze poisoning.

12. And a fine fuck you to Sherry one more time just for good measure.

13. I’m folding laundry while I watch this and it’s honestly more entertaining. Gonna get all my shirts organized. Gonna make some space in this closet.

14. Dwight: “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Dude you’re so whipped I’m embarrassed for you. Kick her to the curb. This “bad guys always win” line also clearly makes no sense given the context of both shows where the bad guys . . . always lose.

15. I hope these new characters become series regulars because there are not enough cast members. We need several more characters with lines each episode to flesh things out so that we can have even fewer episodes without Alicia. Nobody likes Alicia.

16. Please nuke everybody. I mean no way does this storm cellar protect you from nuclear bombs but okay, Toto.

17. Teddy and Dakota holding hands, embracing. I can’t tell how creeped out I should be.

18. They keep trying to make this show a Western and it’s just sad. Makes me sad. John Wayne is rolling in his grave or something.

19. How is June such a good shot? “SHE’S EVEN BETTER THAN ME,” old useless white dude says.

20. After John died June lost what she believed. It’s been like three episodes and June already "found it again”

21. Teddy is a sneaky bastard. They’re gonna make us wait to see if Dakota kills him of course.

22. OH GOD MORE MORGAN OVER THE WALKIE-TALKIES … “MAKE IT MEAN SOMETHING” JFC SHUT UP MORGAN

23. Hey zombies are in this show still? Think one might actually bite somebody? Hahahahahaha just kidding. What a silly thought.

24. Strand is the cheese. He stands alone. Reminds me of last week’s episode. Why did he throw Morgan down like that? Makes no sense. Still bugs me how much it’s like the new showrunner’s idea of what Strand should be rather than a natural move by his character.

25. Hey cool let’s introduce another new character…in the season finale. We need more. More new characters. Never kill any of them off.

26. I admit I like the vinyl records and books and art and whatnot. And he has bourbon instead of beer. FML. Kind of remarkable he’s been able to keep all this stuff preserved and unmolested all this time, only to have Strand of all people fall in his unassuming lap. Poor puppy.

27. How long does it take for these warheads to drop? Seems like everyone is able to travel pretty far and stand around yapping for a long time while these slow-motion nukes just bide their time.

28. New guy is Howard, by the way. Strand calls himself Morgan Jones after describing last week’s bizarre encounter. Hey why not? We’re all Morgan now. But it is … weird. If he thinks he’s about to die, why lie about who he is?

29. Morgan again. Something about how little time everyone has blah blah blah. “YOU SHOULD USE IT. YOU SHOULD. YOU SHOULD MAKE IT MEAN SOMETHING. YOU SHOULD GIVE YOURSELF THE END YOU WANT EVEN IF IT’S NOT THE ONE WE IMAGINED.” stfu morgan, you realize none of what you just said makes any sense. In this situation you’d be like “Everybody run for your lives!” not wax phony philosophical.

30. Grace knows the ending she wants, because people totally say stuff like that in moments like these after hearing shit like this on a magic walkie-talkie.

31. Well Morgan finally said “I love you” to Grace now that the bomb is dropping. Nothing is more romantic than finally telling someone how you feel when you no longer have the obligation of commitment to anchor you down. Also: Nobody is going to die, are they?

32. How have the warheads not dropped yet? I mean I know they’re repeating the same time sequence over and over with different characters but STILL.

33. Yes, you can totally hear a baby crying outside when you’re deep in the belly of a nuclear sub. This is very realistic.

34. Oh it was Rachel. Okay, why was she driving off alone? Wasn’t she with everyone last week? And holy god almighty but isn’t it convenient that her zombie self managed to walk the baby on her back all the way to the sub where Morgan and Grace just happen to still be despite having driven a truck the other way.

35. This bloodhound deserves a better show.

36. Kid looks like she could be Grace’s. Grace looks kind of pissed off, though, like giving Morgan the evil eye a bit. Not my baby!

37. Wes’s hair is too perfect. The rabbi’s hat surely would have fallen off by now, right? Why is truck driver lady’s pink shirt so clean?

38. How can we still not have any Alicia? Do they have beef with her or something? Alycia Debnam-Carey should quit and Kim Dickens, man, if she has any sense of pride should not come back.

39. Yes, fly a friggin helicopter beneath some nuclear warheads that are currently falling (ever so slowly) from the sky to save these ridiculous people. Just in the nick of time, too. Guess Al found her lady. How convenient! It’s all in the timing, as they say.

40. What the hell just happened in that shootout?

41. Cool, Dakota kills Teddy also. Good thing they introduced this bad guy just so he could get killed off four episodes later. Neat writing. Super neat. Super convenient. And once again, the Alicia bit was dropped like a hot rock. The whole “Teddy/Alicia” thing they built up was replaced bizarrely with this “Teddy/Dakota” thing and I don’t know why.

42. “Now you never get to see your ending” she says, like it makes any difference.

43. Whoa I … guess I didn’t expect Dakota to turn into a pillar of ash. That was…really something.

44. Damn. Sherry is alive. The fake cry is really top-notch acting. ALL THE FEELS.

45. RUN. RUN FROM NUCLEAR BLAST GRACE. HIDE BEHIND TIRES. CRUSH BABY CHILD. THIS GOOD STRATEGY. LET PLOT ARMOR SAVE US.

46. Yes, of course Strand is still alive.

47. Ah right, Howard is played by the dude who was in The Mandalorian with the glasses. The only Star Wars character to ever have glasses, in fact.

48. Strand confesses to Howard for no particular reason. Proudly. This is actually . . . the best scene in the entire episode. Colman Domingo really lands the monologue. Also, Colman Domingo is a badass name. Another actor who deserves better than this.

49. Morgan and Grace and new baby are fine, but a nearby zombie is a smoking radiant ruin because LOGIC.

50. More warheads are falling, but they’re all far enough off that none of our heroes die. Not a single one. Not one good guy perishes but all the bad guys do. Very bold, Ian, Andrew and Scott. Very bold, indeed. Good thing we nerfed those nukes in the 11th hour. Good thing everyone found shelter or a helicopter or just happened to get far enough away in 20 minutes to get out of the blast radius of a dozen nuclear warheads.

51. In the immortal words of Sand dan Glokta: “Why do I do this?”

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